Cameyah

I had so much to write for school and work that I have not had the chance to write over here. Yet, the difference now is that I really enjoy writing what I want to write. Funny that people have started to decide over my writing and I kinda feel trapped. I need to liberate myself by escaping over here and write grammatically wrong and feel free! I all of a sudden wanna write everything. I want to empty my mind and let go of all that has been stuck in my head. My only wish is to stop the time, but the truth is that I have to follow the boring rythm of duties and quit before I even started. I think this blog will be my treasure spot, which I will run to when I wanna escape the judgmental eye. I love freedom and I love to be back here. I love to write, write through dance and dance through my writing. I write the way I dance and I dance they way I write. I am burning candles and incense, I am loving and recieving. Positive energi going through my body.

I don't think too much about it. If I would, I would probably make the wrong decision. I just wanna relax and enjoy. Pure joy, the reason for living. Anytime I feel trapped I run. No enjoyment. I run. There are things which are free and they appeal to me so much more than things, which I get paid for. Why? Money is a disease, which can never catch me. I am living on two different worlds. One in which your appearance takes control, in everything you do. The world of the female being the sex object, who is filled with sexual desires, which every man is looking for. The other one is where your thoughts and ideas matter first. The world where I read and study, discuss ideas with people alike. When I sit in front of the computer all day, ordering books, writing and discussing. The world where nobody cares if I wear make up, brush my hair, have it all or nothing. I combine these two, they are two sisters, who need to get along. They have friends who cannot stand each other, so when I bri...

I am a love alcoholic I cannot get enough and I am addicted

I am locked inside my room/inside a human body.

It is in the critical moments that we realize who our fellow human beings are/ I live this day, like there is no tomorrow/ I don't put too much trust in people, because I don't want to get hurt and disappointed/ I cannot lie, because I was never taught how to/ Knowing me is a pleasure, also a hassle/ I could love you, also hate you/

There are a lot of things on my mind, yet not enough. I am doing so many things, but still I feel like I could do more. I just had a weekend show at Merce Cunningham studios with Amiti Perry, I am performing an African dance at the Dance Parade this Saturday. I am a hostess at a charity event the coming Monday. I am rehearsing with Gala for her choreography piece, in fact she is a singer and a fantastic person, I am so happy to have met her. I am also rehearsing with Legros Cultural Arts and Camilla's crew, we have a show May 31st. What I am missing is some teaching and som choreographing...

I always get chosen to do works, which suits my outside and not my inside. Most people cannot see what is inside of me, unless they are really sensitive and understanding. I find it very difficult to swallow. Sometimes I feel like screaming, crying and destroying the whole world. Even when I was in school in Jamaica I never go to perform a folk piece, I always got to play the role of a woman in a suit. Of course I did not do it well, I can never do it well. Why? Because that is not who I am. I can fake it, but I would never be able to do it half as good as reggae- , dancehall-, hiphop- or an African piece. Why? Because the four elements make me complete, they represent the person that I am, from top to bottom. I can relate to it, because this is the life that I am living from morning till night. These are the people whom I can relate to, why? Because I have lived their lives, I understand them and I know who they are. I go crazy, because in this city, everybody gets chosen for work, de...

I love my auntie She is just so cool and crazy Expressive and honest Upfront and critical Is that our family thing running through our veins?

YOU ARE INFINITE

I have had constant fever for two months. This is weird. I don't know what I have and the doctors are laughing at me. The US health care is worse than in a developing country. I feel constantly neglected and every time I go to the clinic they start of by saying that my insurance does not work here. I start to fight and even though I have an appointment, I don't get to see the doctor until at least two hours have passed. This is insane. I don't really have to care, because this insane country is not mine, but I think it is kinda funny that Americans are so ignorant sometimes, thinking that they have got everything, not even knowing that they are the poorest when it comes to health care. I always associated this fever with malaria, but the doctors are saying that I don't know anything and that they do. I have imagined my fever and in fact I am completely healthy or since I went to Africa I must have caught AIDS, because over there everybody is infected. Jesus Christ, am ...

Something happened on the train today, which made me forget about my groceries and forced me to sit down here and get it out of my system. I was on the E train going home. This train is an express train when it comes to Queens. The stops are pretty far away and today it was going even slower in between the stops, which means that it takes almost ten minutes to go from one stop to the other. At five o'clock most people enter the train going home from work, so the train is pretty packed. Most people are very tired, have a lot of bags and while holding on to the railing you wanna close your eyes and get home faster. In this moment the train is creeping very slowly, the train is dark and it is very packed. Even before it happened I felt something negative in the atmosphere, somehow it was a bit scary, but I can never tell you what it is. All of a sudden, a darkskinned tall guy is pushing himself through the crowd, going from one cart to the other. Even when he was passing, something ju...

As I am listening to some sweet music , I am thinking about some very strange things which happened to me today and got me thinking about something. I think it is strange when: People forget where there are coming from and somehow deny it. People connect Africa with negativity. People cannot share performance space, because of prejudice and racism. People feel guilty and hire the less qualified person. People think that they can put you down, to get themselves up. People cannot value the human being. People cannot liberate themselves. People use bitterness to survive, as opposed to love. The list goes on and on, but it is impossible to get everything on here. I just feel that people have problems, deeply rooted in something, but they choose to take it out in the weirdest settings and on the wrong people. As opposed to dealing with things which happened in the their childhood and never got resolved, these things keep preventing some people from being free and love the people around them...

Are we women supposed to create a lot of trouble? And are you men, supposed to just tolerate our foolishness and just stay cool? Sometimes I feel like, the women are the ones who are supposed to just get crazy ideas in their heads, get up and run somewhere and our men are just supposed to run after us, like there is no tomorrow. There are also these women who are very bossy, telling their men what to do every single second and the men either explode on them one day or keep staying cool, cause they themselves are completely down with it. They don't mind following the orders, because it just reminds them of their childhood and the wife becomes the mother. I personally think that's kinda weird. I admire these couples who are equal. No one is more important than the other and both of them get crazy ideas, which they both think is cool and they both run away to turn their ideas into reality. It seems very cool, and I really would love to experience it. I hope it is possible. There a...

I wanna cry, not because I am unhappy, but because I am. I wanna cry, because when I was not happy, nobody could understand, help, listen and make a change. I wanna cry, not because I am homeless, but because I am finally home. I am crying, not because I am lonely, but because I am finally with you, not because I am running, but because I have finally settled. I am crying, because I don't want this to stop. I am crying, because I cannot beleive it.

Jolly, please can I come over to your house and have some egusi soup, some ebba, watch some movies, drink some coffee, have a laugh and talk about everything that we have been missing out on?

I love it I love being around it, in it, with it I love sharing it with you and when you are sharing it with me It gives me hope life inspiration strenght happiness it moves me it moves us together closer it gives us life and we become one I love music it has power over me it posses me and makes me dance I love Africa it makes me happy like no one else it makes me groove, like no one else nobody can take it's place and nobody could take your place I wanna be in Nigeria right now I wanna be in Ghana right now I wanna be in Togo, Benin, Cote d'Ivoire, Cuba, Jamaica, Brazil, I wanna groove like we used to, I wanna dance, because my spirit tells me to. I wanna love because that's what I was born to do, I wanna be with you, because I love you, I wanna dance, because I know you want me to.

I think that racism is our biggest enemy. We are killing each other because of it. We are killing creativity and we are killing life. As we are born, we are put into a specific box, depending on our looks. We get friends who are of similar background and look pretty much alike. As we grow up in this box, it becomes very difficult for us to become something else, than what is expected from us. As we grow into individuals, it is hard for us to brake free. The box doesn't let go. Our outside is supposed to tell everything about us and if it doesn't, it becomes a problem for us and for everybody else. If you want to be crosscultural and open minded, then you are not welcomed. We are not meant to be different and we are not meant to be non judgemental. We are supposed to hate and kill each other, that way the "governors" don't have to take the blame, we do all the work, without realizing it. There are people who want to unite and there are people who want to separate. ...

" After all, nobody remembers how many serfs died during the building of St Petersburg, but everybody admires the city's beauty. " I am reading this book, about Soviet Concentration Camps and this quote actually fits a lot of cities in world. We admire the beauty, but what about the people who had to suffer in order for us to admire it? This is not really criticism, it is just something to think about...

I look at you and I see the Devil I see evil Destruction And Blood I want to run But I am trapped in your presense I want to scream But nobody is listening to me When I see you taking a bloody bite of your prey I don't want to see you But you are forcing me to I want to warn them But they don't listen I want to rescue them But it is too late You look at me and you laugh Because you know that I know and that I am helpless When we hesitate for a second The Devil takes spot immideately If we let him He will grow stronger More powerful Inside of us Don't let him Listen to your instincts We are all protected By our spirits We just need to trust them And let them guide us So that the Devil can never Enter inside of us Almighty please protect me From the evil that surrounds us

If you'd hurt me I would turn it into a poem If you'd laugh with me I would turn it into a story If you'd share my day I would include you in my movie If you'd sing me a song I would turn it into a dance If you'd love me I would give my life to you If we'd share our lives together I would turn it into art